Keisha Shakespeare-Blackmore, Staff Reporter

Last week, we featured a tale of pain; the story of a woman who was abused for more than 20 years by men in her life. This week we will look at signs of abuse and how to deal with an abusive relationship.

Studies have shown that one out of every three women will face abuse during adulthood.

An abusive relationship is an interpersonal relationship characterised by the use or threat of physical or psychological abuse. Abusive relationships are often characterised by jealousy, emotional withholding, lack of intimacy, infidelity, sexual coercion, verbal abuse, broken promises, physical violence, control games and power plays. Abusive relationships are often progressive; that is, the abuse may get worse over time.

There are usually several warning signs that indicate that you are in an abusive relationship:

He is abusing you when he...

1. Emotionally abuses you (insults, belittling comments, ignoring you, acting sulky or angry when you initiate an action or idea).

2. Tells you who you may be friends with, how you should dress, or tries to control other elements of your life or relationship.

3. Talks negatively about women in general.

4. Gets jealous when there is no reason.

5. Berates you for not wanting to get drunk, get high, have sex, or go with him to an isolated or personal place.

6. Is physically violent to you or others, even if it's 'just' grabbing and pushing to get his way.

7. Acts in an intimidating way toward you by invading your 'personal space' (sits too close, speaks as if he knows you much better than he does, touches you when you tell him not to).

8. Is unable to handle sexual and emotional frustrations without becoming angry.

9. Does not view you as an equal because he's older or sees himself as smarter or socially superior.

10. Thinks poorly of himself and guards his masculinity by acting tough.

11. Is angry and threatening to the extent that you have changed your life so as not to anger him.

Low self-esteem

Despite the fact that some women are being abused, they never leave the relationship. Dr. Sidney McGill, sex and relationship therapist notes that women stay in abusive relationship for many reasons:

1. Low self-esteem - Although there is a lot of abuse in the relationship, the abuser may show love at some point. Maybe during sex he may express his love therefore causing her to stay.

2. Economics - She may be from a poor background and come into riches through the relationship, thus she may not want to give up that type of lifestyle.

3. Childhood abuse - If she was abused as a child there is the tendency to get involved in abusive relationships.

4. Attention seekers - Some women feel that when they are abused it is because the partner loves them and may just be a case where he had a bad day. It is often said, "he loves me, that's why he beats me".

5. Depression - Some women stay because they are so depressed, they think it takes too much energy to get out.

Taking Control

Dr. McGill notes that if you are in an abusive relationship, the following steps may help you reclaim your life:

1. Make the necessary preparation before a relationship such as getting employment and/or or getting educated if you're not. Do things that will able you to be independent and that will generate some income. One of the main reasons why women stay in abusive relationship is because of their financial dependency.

2. Have zero tolerance towards abuse. If he abuses you, let him know that you will report him to the police and if he does it again, report him.

3. Do not deny that you are being abused. It is never a good thing to deny abuse otherwise you face abuse continuously.

5. Take charge of your life; get out despite the fact that you may feel lonely. Take up new activities start reading, swimming whatever makes you happy.

6. Seek counselling to help you deal with all the emotional baggage.

Source: www.kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/relationships/abuse.html

darkwing.uoregon.edu/~counsel/abuse.htm

www.wikipedia.com