Dear Counsellor:

I entered into a relationship six months ago and I am constantly being compared to my boyfriend's former girlfriend. At first I ignored it, but I am realising that it is affecting me. I have thought of ending the relationship, but he will come around and act extra nice. I need your advice.

- Dianne

Dear Dianne,

Your boyfriend must disentangle himself from the past relationship and embrace the present. He may be regretting the loss of this person, a loss which may be due to mistakes on his part.

Some persons enter into a new relationship still feeling attracted to a former lover or still feeling angry with the former lover. These residual emotions will affect the new relationship because how you behave in the new relationship will be informed by what you bring from the past. His constant comparisons may be due to the fact that she might have moved on leaving him feeling that he lost something good.

He might have used you to replace the pain of the old girlfriend. Depending on what he may be looking for in a woman, he might have seen many of those qualities in his former lover and not in you. So instead of accepting you for who you are and helping you to be the best you can be, he is using comparisons to mould you into the other woman. (Parents do it to children - they will compare one child with another to bring about changes in behaviour). The constant comparisons will make you feel inadequate in the former girlfriend's shadow.

Dianne, you deserve the best. Do not short-change yourself. You deserve someone who will embrace your uniqueness and support you in what you do. Life is too short to be living with someone who will tear you down every chance he gets, instead of building you up. Your boyfriend is not over his past girlfriend and this will continue to impact negatively on your relationship.