State your needs in your relationship using the BRAVE technique developed by Dr. Wendel Abel, consultant psychiatrist.
B: Become aware of your feelings. Learn to identify your feelings. Make a list of the feelings you experience on a daily basis.
R: Relax. Practise these steps to relax:
1. Become aware of your breathing.
2. Start taking deep breaths.
3. Inhale through your nostrils.
4. Exhale through your mouth.
5. Repeat these steps several times and as you do so allow your muscles and your entire body to relax.
A: Acknowledge, affirm and assert your feelings. Do not allow others to devalue or minimise your feelings. Remember you have a right to all your feelings. You do not owe anyone any explanation for your feelings.
Next time you are asked questions like, "Why do you feel that way?" or "So why are you allowing your self to be upset." State that you have a right to your feelings.
V: Ventilate your feelings. In much the same manner that you have a right to your feelings, remember you also have all rights to express these feelings. Learn to ventilate your feelings in an appropriate and effective manner.
Express your feelings by using an 'I MESSAGE'. If someone does something to upset you or say something to make you angry, do not communicate in 'YOU MESSAGES'.
Here are some examples of 'I MESSAGES':
Your boss shouts at you and you feel upset. State to your boss - " I feel upset when you shouted at me."
Your husband failed to call you. State - "I feel rejected when you did not call."
Your friend did not remember to return a book he borrowed. State - "I feel disappointed that you did not return the book."
Your child has not done his homework. State - " I feel disappointed that you have not done your homework."
E: Exercise these techniques:
1. Start by playing some quiet music.
2. Do the relaxation exercise.
3. Think of situations that have affected your emotional state, write them down using 'I MESSAGES'.
4. Write a note, send a letter, call or speak to someone who has affected you and express to them how they might have affected your feelings using 'I MESSAGES'.
