Dear Counsellor:

A week ago my husband told me in an argument that I was very nagging and that he was simply tired of the constant nagging. This was said after I spoke to him about something he was supposed to have done around the house.

I was hurt and told him that I would not talk to him again until he had done the chore. I see it as unfair that I will play my part in doing things around the house and he will be quite negligent.

Right now, the issue has turned competitive, because I guess he is watching to see if I am going to talk to him and I am trying to stick to my words. It all seems so childish. But I need him to help around the house and whenever I talk to him about it he claims that I am nagging. What should I do?

- Sandy

Dear Sandy,

Disagreements represent a key source of stress between husbands and wives. However, the way these disagreements are dealt with will determine the level of harmony in the house.

Unfortunately, there are some men who are of the opinion that once they 'bring in the dough' their obligation to their family ends.

Also, he may have been brought up in a home where there was not a man playing a major role, or if a man was there, he was simply 'a silent partner'. Or your man is simply lazy! Ironically the wife many times is also working and she has 'double duty'.

Based on what you are saying, you may be feeling stressed because things that you expect your spouse to do are left undone. Sandy, you have decided not to talk to your husband until the chore is done. What a catastrophe! You may be thinking that you are 'punishing' him but he may be delighting in it hoping that it may last a long time.

Anyway on a serious note, what would your feelings be if he left home one day and something tragic happened and he never returned? Would your cause have been worth it? I am not saying that he should not do the chore, but research has shown that nagging never changed anyone. As a matter of fact, people get hardened with constant nagging.

Do you know what I would do? I would swallow my pride and go and apologize for 'nagging' him as he said. Then I would strive to keep from 'nagging' him (that may be hard). I think that 70 per cent of the times, what men call nagging is simply a reminder.

But it's just that the reminder points out their weaknesses. However, at the end of the day, you would not want your marriage destroyed because of a simple chore.

Dear Counsellor:

My marriage is presently going through some rough patches and we are not handling it well. If it is not one thing it is another. I have asked him to let us go for counselling but he says that there is nothing wrong with him.

What should I do? I have thought of going alone but I am not sure if it will make any sense. We have been married for 10 years and have three children.

-Karen

Dear Karen,

Going to a counsellor alone may not necessarily mean that the situation will be better, but it will give you skills to help to deal with the situation. Unfortunately in our culture there are some men who perceive going to a counsellor as having something wrong with them.

They must see that what they are doing is wrong and then have a desire to change. Also a man's ego may stand in the way of him getting help. If there is a close friend that you both trust, then you could share the problem and ask the person to talk to him.