Dear Counselor:

I have been in a relationship for the past two years and I am thinking of settling down. My concern, however, is that my girlfriend has two children. Her children are 16 and 13. I have concerns as to how they will react to the marriage. There are times when I wonder what they think about me. I asked her and she said that they liked me very much. However, I still have my concerns. I would like to ask you how I could deal with two teenage step-children in marriage.

- Carl

Dear Carl:

Before you get married, try to get to know the children as much as possible and let them get to know you. However, do not force yourself upon them and do not pry into their affairs. Let them decide what they will or will not share with you. In getting to know them, be patient in winning their affection and under no circum-stance try to buy their affection. Do not make promises that you cannot keep; they will lose trust and confidence in you. There are many children who are hurting because their fathers made promises that could not be kept.

Let there be a consensus from now on the type of relationship that you all would be comfortable with. Although you may become the head of the house and in the position of 'father', they will not view you as their 'father'. Let us face it; they have lived so many years without you in their lives, as much as they may like you, they may choose to call you uncle or Mr. 'Grant'. Some may even want to call you by your first name; that is a decision that you will have to make.

It would be good to read as much as you can about teenagers. This will not only be a challenging time for you, but for them as well. Many are trying to find themselves, having to deal with peer pressure among other things. This is a time when many become rebellious and this rebellion may be directed at you.

I strongly advise that you get pre-marital counselling, not only as a couple, but as a family. In the sterile environment of the coun-selling room many fears and hostilities will be revealed and addressed.

When you get married it is important that you establish your authority (not in an aggressive manner) from as early as possible. The children must understand that you are the head of the house and a major player in the decision-making process.

Dear Counselor:

I have been married for eight months and ever since I got married I do not feel that I love my husband anymore. I do not feel like having sex with him and we do not seem to have anything to talk about.

It is like we are two different people. I cry every day wishing that I could go back to living my single life because we were much happier then. There is a baby on the way so I feel that I should stick it out for the sake of our unborn child.

What should I do?

- Keisha

Dear Keisha:

Many things happen to a woman when she gets pregnant; hormonal changes take place. These changes affect persons in different ways. Instead of creating a greater bond with your spouse it is driving you away. This should be a happy time for you both. This is sad and this sadness is not good for the unborn child. These negative emotions will be passed on to the child. All is not lost. Please speak to your doctor about this and if need be go and see a counsellor.