Q I am a man who is an avid reader of your column. I need your assistance with a major problem in my life. I have a good career, and have grown to be very influential. Many people look up to me for advice and guidance in their work.
But what they do not know is this. My whole sex life was undermined by a man who 'interfered' with me when I was around 11. As a result of this person's activities, I began to find that I was losing interest in girls - and starting to think about males instead.
I did not want to do this, but the influence of this guy made me look at porn - mostly gay porn. Since then, life has been muddled and distressing for me. I have had sexual encounters with men. But also, I really like beautiful, intelligent women.
I attempted to have sex with one lady, whom I adored. But I lost my erection just before penetration, and could not continue. Since then, I have not dared to try to have sex with any other female, lest the same thing happen.
I noticed that in the last year or two, my interest in sexual activity has been diminishing. I still have occasional encounters with males, but these episodes leave me feeling very unfulfilled and dissatisfied.
I don't know what to do, doctor, as I am so confused. I know I want a family, a wife and children. Fleeting thoughts of suicide have crossed my mind.
I have never before told anyone what I have told you today. With the stigma in Jamaica, I am afraid that if I sought help, I would be ridiculed or ostracised. I really need your assistance.
A This is a real tragic story that you have told me. You will see that I hav some details (and left out others), so as to make sure that no one recognises you.
It is a terrible thing when an older man seduces a young boy, as happened to you. It creates dreadful confusion in the boy's mind. I think that if this guy had not seduced you, you would by now be a happily married man, doubtless with a loving wife and children.
I have seen quite a number of cases like yours, and some of these victims are now in their 40s, 50s or 60s - and still trying to come to terms with what happened to them as young boys. Several of them are badly depressed.
It might interest you to hear that one of my patients - who has a rather similar 'history' to your own - managed to 'clear his head' quite a bit through the clever expedient of simply writing down his whole story from start to finish, expressing all the bitterness and disgust he felt about the man who seduced him so long ago. He then gave copies of this 'autobiography' to me, and to several relatives and friends whom he knew he could trust absolutely. Getting all this off his chest has made him feel very much better.
But what are you to do? It is obvious that you are very worried about trusting anyone. However, if you went to see a psychiatrist, he would be absolutely bound by his 'doctor's code' to keep what you tell him secret.
In fact, I think it would be an excellent idea for you to book some sessions with a consultant psychiatrist - partly because it is fairly clear that you are depressed. Please put these feelings about suicide out of your mind!
I cannot tell you whether you are eventually going to 'end up' as a heterosexual, a homosexual or a bisexual. You definitely have some strong urges towards 'beautiful, intelligent women,' and it is not beyond the bounds of possibility that one day you could find a good woman to love and to settle down with - and maybe have children. You could certainly defeat the 'erectile problem' which you have had in the past!
One word of warning: please do not make the error that many gay and bisexual guys have committed: marrying a woman without telling her about the rather confused direction of your sexual impulses. Looking on the bright side, a surprising number of intelligent ladies are willing to love and accept a husband who still has some impulses toward males.
You are obviously a good and clever man, who has much to offer to society and to Jamaica. I really hope that consulting a psychiatrist will be the first step in helping you to 'cast out the devils of the past', and achieve a much happier life.
Q Doc, should a woman fake orgasm?
I am a 25-year-old female who has no real urge for sex, and has in fact never discharged. My fianc is aware that I don't often have climaxes.
But from time to time, I pretend to 'come', so it doesn't bother him.
I should add that the love-making between us is always pleasurable. Also, we love each other, and we are happy.
But I can't help feeling that I have a problem! Could it be solved?
A Well, I think that the main thing is that you love each other and are happy together.
Personally, I am not too keen on ladies 'faking' orgasm, because really, it is a form of deceit - even if a well-meaning one. However, there is no doubt that hundreds of women do fake it. Some of them go on doing it throughout their entire lives.
As a doctor, I would feel happier if you told your fianc about the situation - preferably well before you actually get married. This would be fair to him - and it would also give him a chance to help.
You see, I am absolutely sure that you can be helped. I am not saying that, as a woman with relatively little interest in sex, you can be turned into some sort of raving 'hottie-hottie!' Nevertheless, I have seen many, many women who thought that they could not orgasm - but who learned to do so. And learning to discharge has brought them much happiness.
So, what can you do to help yourself?
Well, I feel you should look at the website of the now-legendary American sex guru, Dr. Betty Dodson. It is at: www.bettydodson.com.
Dr. Dodson has helped enormous numbers of women throughout the world to reach orgasm. She does it mainly by teaching them to explore their feelings, and to learn about where their clitorises are. She also encourages a particular technique with vibrators - a technique which is extremely effective in stimulating the clitoral area.
When you have looked at her website, you should also get hold of her DVD/video entitled 'Self Loving,' which is an excellent guide to learning how to discharge easily. Good luck.
Q Doc, I am a sportsman but at the moment I can't kick a ball because my big toe is paining me so much, around the nail.
Also, I have yellow stuff oozing out from the side of the nail.
What is going on?
A You have what is called a 'paronychia' - which is a pus-generating infection alongside the nail. Some folk call it a 'whitlow' or a 'runaround.'
It is often associated with the condition of 'Ingrowing Toenail' - which is common in football players and some other sportsmen, because they get so many hits on the toe.
What you must do now is see a doc. He will probably put you on an antibiotic. But it is possible that you may need to take a very small operation on your toe, to get the pus out and clean things up.
Q I am 26 years old, female, and the mother of one. I experience a lot of back pains, doc. Could that mean that I can't have any more children?
A No, I don't think that is the case at all. However, in the rest of your email you reveal that you have been having a persistent discharge. This could be caused by whatever condition is causing your back pain, or it may be something separate.
In any case, you must see a doc as soon as possible, and have a good internal check-up - with vaginal swabs sent to the lab. Don't delay; these problems need clearing up real soon!
I hope you will be successful in your plans for having further children.
Please send your health questions to editor@gleanerjm.com
