Dear Counsellor:

This is my first time writing. I am married now for 10 years and I recently slept with another man. This is something I always say I would not do. Now that I have done it, I am not feeling sorry - in fact, just the opposite. I think I love this other guy.

I got married at a young age and I think we have grown apart. This guy is also married and I am not sure about my feelings. I need some advice as this is not the sort of thing I would go to a friend about.

- Joy

Dear Joy,

I must admit that there are many persons who feel that they got married too young and that they did not get to 'experience life'. I believe, though, that when you got married at that 'tender age', no one could have deterred you because you were in love.

Research shows that the younger an individual is when he or she gets married, the greater the chance of the marriage failing, but my grandfather got married at 19 and my grandmother at 17 and they stayed together until he died at 85.

Joy, whenever I think of a relationship, I think of a rose bush. The roses are beautiful to look at and the fragrance is wonderful, but it would lose its uniqueness without the thorns. So every relationship comes with its own beauty and fragrance, but with its attending thorns.

Pricked by a thorn

A gardener does not destroy his roses whenever he is pricked by a thorn. And if the roses are looking 'droopy', he will do whatever is necessary to get his roses looking their best.

Your thorn is that 'you grew apart'.

I must say, your marriage would not the first in whichboth parties felt the thorn of growing apart.

You grew apart to the point that you became intimate with another man who is also married.

You may feel that you are in love with him, but could it be that all your relationship needed was some 'romantic fertiliser'? You said that you are not sure of the other man's feelings towards you, is it that you are prepared to throw away what you have for what you may not get?

Are you hoping that he will leave his wife for you? And what are his thoughts towards you? Do you think he will have total trust for you knowing that you cheated on your husband with him? And would you trust him wholeheartedly knowing he had an affair with you? Would you not be suspicious of him?

On the flip side, if you choose to stay in the relationship, would you want to tell your spouse about your infidelity? If you do not tell him, could you live with yourself and not be affected by guilt and shame? If he decides to be unfaithful, how will you be able to deal with it?

'O what a tangled web we weave' - Joy, I would advise that you seek professional counselling now.