Last week, we stopped at the point where Larenz lay bleeding in his bathroom tub, after he cut his left wrist and his heels. Today, we conclude his story.

Paul H. Williams, Gleaner Writer

THE NEXT thing he knew, he was in a vehicle going somewhere. For some reason, his mom had come home unexpectedly, and found him bleeding. She duct-taped his wounds and took him to the hospital. All this time Larenz was unconscious.

When he woke up in the hospital, the first person he saw was Roy.

Larenz: "This really damaged me. I had tubes in my hand, and my first attempt was to pull them out 'cause I didn't want to live."

Eventually, he was asked several times why he did what he did. He didn't divulge anything. He remembered Roy's threats.

On one occasion, when a psychologist visited him to find out what was going on, his mom left the room to give them privacy, but Roy refused to leave. Larenz didn't respond to the psychologist's questions because Roy was staring at him. The psychologist realised what was going on and he too excused himself from the room to speak with Larenz's mom. Alone in the room with Larenz, Roy begged him not to say anything. Larenz lay looking at him, feeling torn and distressed.

As the days progressed Larenz gave bits and pieces of information to the psychologist until he finally revealed the full story. With Larenz's permission he told his mom.

Larenz: "She wasn't surprised, she wasn't upset, she wasn't angry (with the stepfather), she wasn't even dazed; it was immediately into the mode that she normally goes into, (which is) accept what's happening and move on."

This to Larenz was a betrayal. He was hurting, and he got no redress.

Family break-up

In response, the stepfather denied Larenz's claim, and his mom accepted his denial, despite the clear physical evidence, to which they surmised may have occurred as a result of consensual sex with someone other than Roy. The nature of the wounds were not consistent with such, and their theory was shot down. Clearly, Larenz had been molested. His mom went into denial for about a year, by which time Larenz had moved out to live with an aunt who got legal custody of him. His mom and Roy were separated.

She would visit and take things for him, but he would not speak with her.

Larenz: "One birthday she called I told her I didn't want to speak with her and by that time I started calling her by her first name because she wasn't my mother anymore, she was somebody I used to know, and she started telling me how sorry she was, and that it passed a long time ago, and that I'm to learn to forgive and forget, and the interesting thing was I knew what was happening." His mom and Roy were back together.

"I felt slighted for me, I felt like my mother wasn't there anymore, because I didn't know who she was, it was always about (Roy) and what she wanted from him and what he was supposed to give to her, so I stood in the way. If I were to say I am okay with it (Roy being back in her life) then the rest of the family would (perhaps) go along with it."

The onus of unifying the family was now resting squarely on Larenz's shoulders!

There was to be no unity, for Larenz was still hurting and his brothers also refused to speak with Roy, who was now fully back in Larenz's mom's life. In 1999, she moved to New York, and Roy eventually joined her.

Over the years, Larenz and his mom got back on speaking terms and developed a decent relationship, but the tension was reignited two summers ago when she finally married Roy, who is despised by her children. So much so that, last year, when one of Larenz's brothers was dying, he told Larenz he didn't want Roy to participate in his funeral rites. The request placed Larenz between his mom and his dying brother's wishes.

Flames of the tension

Larenz: "It was difficult because I had to tell my mother that the man she recently married was not allowed to participate."

She was not pleased, and Roy threatened to kill Larenz had he gone to New York for the funeral. The flames of the tension between Larenz and his mom were now raging again, glowing orange, yellow and red.

Larenz: "One day (in December, last year) she called me and she said to me, 'Why are you not allowing me to be happy?'" The nature of her unhappiness was Larenz's refusal to stay with her and Roy upon his arrival in New York for a Christmas visit.

Larenz: "I didn't want to be in the house with Roy, and all this time I felt that everybody's been saying to me 'Larenz get over it', and it's not that I haven't, but it's just that I prefer to remain outside of his space for my own comfort. I shouldn't have to tell you I want to be comfortable. You should know that my comfort level should be about me."

It is also about Roy, who is yet to say sorry. He was never punished, and is now a very successful public personality in his community, in New York.

Larenz: "A don't think I hate him. I haven't (forgiven him), (but) I'm not bitter towards him, I'm afraid of him and I don't want to be in his presence."

His mom is in Roy's presence, seemingly forever, which Larenz cannot fathom. He wants to know why she made certain choices, and why she did some of the things she did. There is a plethora of unanswered questions, most of which are for her.

"The interesting thing about this entire situation is, when Roy raped me and how my mother dealt with it has to do with how she's always chosen him over me. She has always chosen him, and the difficulty about that for me is always about the fact that your child is someone you protect. I still don't understand until this day why it is and what I did wrong why my mother always ended up choosing Roy over me."

Yet he harbours no bitterness against her; he loves her dearly, and enjoys a speaking relationship with her. But, things always find themselves back to her husband, who is hostile towards Larenz. He believes Larenz is the reason he is not accepted by Larenz's family and relatives. The situation at times is 'crippling' according to Larenz, who is now 25.

He is working full time, and is in his final semester at university. He is a bag of confused emotions, smiling on the outside, masking the pain inside. The assault has left him 'permanently wounded'. The memories of it have affected every aspect of his life. Now, he has mixed feelings about himself. He is proud of his achievements so far, is satisfied with life to a certain extent, has tremendous support from friends, but sometimes feels as if he's a failure. For him, there is a long way to go. He wants to be happy, and to be able to trust again. But, it is going to require much cleansing.

bludums@yahoo.com