Ivret Williams

Dear Counsellor:

Please offer me some advice on my current problem. I have been in an extramarital affair for the past five years.

There is a child in the union whom I love very much I am not her biological father, she regards me as her father and calls me Daddy. She knows her real father who is abroad and has contact with him via the telephone. I regard this relationship as my second family.

We have known for some time that a filing petition was pending and one day they would be leaving. Now the process is completed, they will be leaving sometime this year and with each passing day I find that I am getting sad and depressed at the thought of losing them. I fear that I'll be losing them forever as anything can happen with the long distance that will come between us.

I want the best for both of them, but I can't face the prospect of ever having to give her up to another man, which is my greatest fear. I have a visa and can visit in due course but that will not be the same as having them around each day. I want to be positive and hope for the best but I just can't bring myself to look that way.

Please help me.

- Sad and Frustrated

Dear Sad and Frustrated:

You say that you want the best for them both and you may mean that in all sincerity, but do you think your being in an extramarital relationship is the best thing for them? Is it that she should remain with you for the rest of both your lives to keep you satisfied? If you were in her position, what would you have wanted?

I am sure she does not desire to be 'the other woman' all the days of her life. There are several things thatI find ironic. In all of this you have not mentioned what future plans you have for this 'other woman' and her child. Also, you have not said whether or not you have any intention of ending your marriage for them. Not every one is lucky enough to eat their cake and have it.

On the flip side, how are your sadness and depression affecting your marriage? Is your wife aware of this relationship? Is this fair to your family? What 'lies' have you told your wife when she finds you depressed and unresponsive towards her?

I hate to be so blunt, but for all the parties concerned I think it is for the good of all that this woman and her child are moving away. Maybe if she stayed it would have been very hard to end the relationship. This is the time to let go. Let her go to find a new life.

If you love her as much as you claim, then you should let her go. It may not be easy, but for all concerned, it will be the best. Use your time and energy to renew the flame in your marriage.

Pining over her previous man?

Dear Counsellor:

I am in a relationship now nine months. I care for my girlfriend very much.

My problem, however, is that whenever we have a fuss she will compare me to her former boyfriend. Each time she does it, I get offended, and though she apologises, it keeps happening over and over again. I need you advice.

- Dean

Dear Dean:

Your girlfriend may be regretting the loss of this person, a loss which may be due in part to mistakes on her part. She might have entered a relationship with you still feeling attracted to her former lover.

Her comparisons may be due to the fact that she might have moved on, and now she fees that she lost something good. She could also be using comparisons to mould you into the person she wants you to be.

Dean, I believe that not only is your girlfriend uncomfortable with you, but she is not over her past relationship.

Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Email letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com.