Sacha Walters, Staff Reporter

Think quickly. Can one cheat on one's partner without having sex?

According to specialists, the answer is a resounding yes.

'Head sex' is how one magazine article dubbed it, but it's formally called emotional infidelity, or having an emotional affaire.

According to an article on MSNBC.com titled 'When friendship becomes an emotional affair', psychologist Dr. Dale Atkins defines emotional cheating as "forming meaningful attachments with people other than your partner in ways that prevent your partner from having that deep emotional intimacy with you."

"Couples I counsel are absolutely outraged when I tell them that they could well be committing emotional adultery when they flirt with co-workers, send around funny emails to colleagues, or hang out with members of the opposite sex at gatherings. But they are, and so probably are you," says M. Gary Neuman, a therapist and rabbi, in his book Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship.

According to Neuman, "You don't have to have sex with anyone else to be unfaithful."

Thirty-six-year-old accountant, Karen Jones, said she had one with a co-worker for six years while she was involved in a committed relationship.

"We talked about basically everything under the sun," Karen said, and the topics ranged from their committed partners to their mutual hopes and dreams. Occasionally, they would go to the movies and craft fairs together and, at times, invite their committed partners along.

But during this time, the relationship never got physical.

Emotional energy

One concept is that emotional energy can be used up. So if one expends this energy during the day, sharing feelings and the events of the day with another person, there is not enough available for one's partner when one gets home.

Daphne Nelson, counselling psychologist at Family Life Ministries, cautioned that people often dismiss the impact such relationships have, but that can be detrimental.

"A lot of people are saying 'we're just friends' but this 'just friends' thing is causing problems," said Mrs. Nelson. She noted that from counselling experience, people are not always willing to admit when this divided attention is affecting their partners or even their children. She said while she doesn't think emotional availability can be used up, she thinks it can be spread thinly.

Karen, however, said she never felt distant from her boyfriend because of this relationship, but she knew that what she shared with her co-worker was more than friendship. There were topics she did not feel comfortable discussing with her boyfriend which she would discuss with her co-worker.

Gradually, she began to think about him sexually, and they both spoke about it, and knew they were attracted to each other.

However, not every relationship with someone of the opposite sex is an emotional affair.

Karen explained that in an emotional affair, while there is not a physical relationship, there is always flirting between the couple, continuous phone calls and, at times, jealousy kicks in. But she said with a platonic friend, the sexual tension is not present.

But Neuman believes avoiding friendships with people of the opposite se is the way to go. He makes the suggestion that, "commitment is the glue of marriage. Insulate and protect your marriage against infidelity by avoiding friendships with members of the opposite sex."

Setting boundaries

Mrs. Nelson, however, thinks this is drastic. Instead, she suggests setting boundaries, which can be dictated by your instincts and sticking to them. "Keep the discussion above board," she advised, and if the conversation is being steered otherwise, try to avoid such conversations, especially if the committed relationship is not going well at the time.

*Name changed.

sacha.walters@gleanerjm.com