Counselling psychologist Joan Rhule notes that men value power, competency, efficiency and achievement - so much so that they live in a separate mental universe from women, and a space in which they would often prefer to be left alone.

"They are always involved in things to prove themselves and to develop their power and skills. A man's sense of self is defined through his ability to accomplish favourable results. He experiences fulfilment mainly through success and accomplishment which are very valuable to him."

Rhule, who is an associate at Family Life Ministries in Kingston, this week tussles with the issue of just how much space men should be allowed in a relationship.

She first states, "A man needs his space because he is an individual. They must have space.

"Men are concerned with activities that take them outdoor, such as hunting, fishing, sports, etc. They show interest in news, buildings and automobiles. Men show less concern for things like intimacy."

Romance and housekeeping

She notes that while men are like this, women fantasise about romance, housekeeping, jobs, security and a family.

Women live in a universe of concerns that differ markedly from men. But, in asserting their right to 'doing their own thing' men should be concerned with achieving balance in their relationships.

"Men are fully occupied with power, faster automobiles and advancement in technology. For the men, achieving these goals is important, but he must realise that there is still scope to pursue a balance. He is still needed to maintain his roles in the home," states Joan Rhule.

It is nevertheless true that, in addition to their unique interests, men also need space to cope with stress.

"He needs space when he is overwhelmed and emotionally disturbed. He needs space to sort outhis problems. He needs space to affirm himself. He needs space to chill out or relax with his friends."

The psychologist notes that researcher John Gray (1992) indicates that when a man is stressed, "he withdraws into his cave, he does so when he is having the most difficult problems.

"During this time he completely loses awareness of everything around him. It is at this time, however, communication is key on for men."

According to Rhule, it is up to men to help their female partners understand what is happening.

Females, in turn, must not be overbearing, nagging, resentful or "getting all over the man."

Joan Rhule states that women need to try to know their partner/men. They should not assume anything that would be damaging to the relationship when a man "enters his cave."

Next week: Can a man be given too much space? Information provided by Joan Rhule, counselling psychologist and associate counsellor, Family Life Ministries. Email missjay_pat@yahoo.com