Ivret Williams

Dear Counsellor:

I do not know if you can help me. I am 25 years old and I live with my parents. My problem is that my father tells us what we should and shouldn't do. It has become very aggravating.

Sometimes I disagree with him and he will do and say things to spite me. My mother will tell me to go along with what he says for peace sake as many times she gets caught up in the quarrel. I will comply because my mother is not so well.

He wants to dictate who I should talk to, and I find I will end the relationship with anybody he likes.

Am I being fair to myself?

- Ava-Marie

Dear Ava-Marie:

Do you think you are being fair to yourself? You may be angry with your father because of his controlling ways, but if you are not careful, you could sabotage a potentially good relationship as your home situation may lend itself to rebellion.

Your rebellion could also tempt you do things to spite your father. Unfortunately, in the end you are the one who would feel the pain of the situation. My advice, do not end a relationship because your father likes the person and do not start one with someone your father dislikes.

Should I spurn marriage U-turn?

Dear Counsellor:

My husband and I separated because we were having constant conflicts. Also, he had been unfaithful and he kept lying to me.

It reached the stage where I could no longer deal with it. We have been separated for the past year. We have a small child. He supports us financially and he visits the child.

A second chance

The problem, however, is that he wants to come back, but I am not sure. I discussed the issue with my family and friends and some say that I should give him a second chance, while others believe people do not change that easily.

What do you think?

- Clover

Dear Clover:

There are some persons who think they can eat their cake and have it, while others think the grass looks greener on the other side. But when they step out, they realise that they were fooled.

I would recommend that if you choose to get back together, you both get marital counselling. There needs to be openness as it relates to the affair that your husband had. It cannot be pushed under the carpet and life continues as if nothing had happened.

Although one needs to be forgiving, the affair should not be pushed aside as incidental. The affair was a breach of covenant. There must be an acknowledg-ment of the infidelity and future need for accountability. It would serve you both well to dissect the steps leading to the affair and the factors that could have contributed to it.

Though I would not encourage you to go back for the sake of the child, I must also say that divorce has a very serious impact on him or her. Research has shown that many children never recover from the break-up of their parents. Others carry the pain into their own relationships and their marriages also end in divorces.

Clover, persons can change. It takes a determination not to repeat the act and a commitment to the relationship. And let me add that the relationship will not be like the one you had before. The dynamics have changed and you, too, will have to be willing to change.

A word of caution: It will not be easy as you may become a detective watching his every move. Your trust will be tested, but if both of you are serious, then you can make it work. And the last stage may be better than the first.

Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Email letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com.