Dear Counsellor:

I have been dating this guy for the past nine months and sometimes I wonder how interested he is in the relationship. I am the one who seems to want the relationship to work.

He seems quite laid-back and it makes me wonder if he really cares about me or if he's simply using me to 'pass time'. I really like him, but I do not want to waste my time in a relationship that is going nowhere. I have been there already and I do not want to repeat it. What do you think I should do?

- Sandra

Dear Sandra:

Although one would like to have a relationship that is balanced in every way, one is forced to admit that most relationships are unbalanced in one way or another.

This, however, becomes a serious problem when the imbalance creates dysfunction in the relationship. A relationship may experience imbalance in the level of commitment that one individual may have toward another, because in the past he or she might have given 100 per cent commitment and it did not work.

The individual may withdraw emotionally, not wishing to expend that level of energy anymore. Others might have been hurt and fear being hurt again, so their level of emotional and physical involvement is limited as they protect their heart from future pain. This can be disconcerting for the other person in the relationship who may be going all out to make the relationship work.

Sandra, do you see even 75 per cent of your level of commitment being reciprocated? Does he speak of a future together, or is he unresponsive if and when you do? Do you get the feeling that the relationship is your responsibility? Do you feel that you are carrying the greater load?

Unfortunately, if you are carrying the greater load, the possibility exists that this may continue into marriage. When persons are courting they may overlook aspects of the relationship that are annoying, hoping they will go away or be sorted out in marriage. It does not matter how hard you try or how much you commit, if the other person is not committed or interested, then you are fighting a losing battle.

Dear Counsellor:

I have been in a relationship for the past two and a half years. I would like to take the relationship to the next level, but somehow I feel like my girlfriend is resisting it.

I love her very much and I think she loves me, but she puts up barriers whenever she perceives that I would liketo go further. What should I do?

- Gary

Dear Gary:

Your girlfriend may be fearful of the future of the relationship. She may be contented with the present status but fears the relationship may fall apart if you both take the next step. She might have seen that happening in previous relationships that fell apart.

It could also be that there might be areas in the relationship that she is not quite comfortable with and she may be hoping that with the passage of time these kinks can be worked out.

Gary, you may feel that you are ready to go to the next level, but she may not think herself ready to deal with the demands necessary for that level of commitment. As such, she is quite content to keep the relationship on the present level.

Whatever the reason, it is best to hear her concerns about taking the relationship to the next level.