Ivret Williams

Dear Counsellor:

I have been married for a little over a year. Our relationship has always been long-distance. I am educated beyond high school and my husband is not.

I have no problem with this at all. During our courtship, my husband and I use to talk a lot about everything be it major or minor.

Now that we are married his communication has deteriorated severely, and the responsibility of talking is left solely on me.

During a one-hour phone conversation, I am lucky if I get him to talk for 15 minutes. I know he loves me as much as I love him, but I feel burdened at times knowing that my husband is unable to communicate effectively and refuses to change.

I live for talking and actually derive pleasure from doing so.

My husband, on the other hand, is content with not having much to say about anything.

I am losing interest fast as I am seeking verbal stimulation elsewhere. I have voiced my concerns to him multiple times and he has not made any effort.

When I ask him to talk to me he often replies, “I have nothing to talk about.”

– Pat

Dear Pat:

Please be very careful about where you are seeking verbal stimulation. This can lead to emotional stimulation and, before you realise it, you are being physically stimulated.

There are many factors that may be working against your relationship. The first one is that you are in a long-distance relationship. Research has shown that many long-distance relationships do not work. It is not that persons do not want to remain committed, but the idiom ‘out of sight, out of mind’ still rings true.

Even with constant vigilance, persons will stray and many individuals need constant monitoring because in the absence of the ‘significant other’, someone else becomes the ‘deputy’.

Pat, men are not talkers. This statement may not sit well with you, especially in light of the fact that he used to talk a lot when you were courting. This is why one should not look to one’s spouse to supply all needs. It is just not possible.

Much research has shown that men are not talkers. When you look at gender differences in communication, one research indicates that men use about half the number of words per day that women use. Another one was done in the nursery at a hospital and it said that even as babies, the mouths of the girls were constantly moving, while the mouths of the boys only moved occasionally.

Did not get to know each other enough

But having said all that, I do not think you should highlight the fact that you went to high school and he did not. That factor might not have been important in the relationship in the early stages and may not be hindering your ability to communicate with each other.

The communication difficulties could be due to the fact that you did not get to know each other enough before you got married. As such, there is not enough connectedness between you both, resulting in the lack of a bond. I can imagine that this might be frustrating for you.

What are the things you want to talk about?

Maybe you do not share the same interest. You may want to chit-chat but he may not be so inclined. It is a different thing to be walking around the house or even lying in bed and chit-chatting as against calling long distance for a chit-chat.

The positive in your letter is that you know he loves you. This is something to hold on to, if and when you feel frustrated. And you could email him or write whenever you feel that you have a lot to say.

■ Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Email letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com.