Ivret Williams

Dear Counsellor:

I have wanted to write you for a while now. My problem is I am very jealous of my boyfriend. There are times when I think he is cheating, but he denies it.

This has caused many conflicts in our relationship. We have been together for the past three years and by now, I thought we would have been talking about marriage, but whenever I bring up the topic, he changes the subject.

Recently, I mentioned it to a friend of his and he says that my boyfriend told him tha he loves me, he is turned off by my jealous behaviour. How can I stop being jealous?

- Aileen

Dear Aileen:

Your feelings of jealousy may notbe as a result of your partner, it may be due to how you feel about yourself. If you have negative self-esteem, you may find reasons to be jealous, even if there are none. So before we even look at the relationship, we need to look at you.

How dependent are you on this relationship? Dependency is not only financial, it could also be social and emotional. The greater the dependency, the greater the jealousy. Do you see this guy as a 'catch', and if the relationship were to end, would this be a great loss for you? If you answered 'yes' to these questions, then you may become a controller in the relationship doing everything to protect your 'possession'.

A jealous person is plagued with many fears and the greatest fear is that the other person will leave. The end result is that the person will do many things (some negative) in an attempt to keep the person 'in tow', and this can destroy a relationship.

On the other hand, do you feel devalued in the relationship? If the relationship gives you a positive feeling, then you will feel secure knowing that you are loved. If you feel insecure, this can also result in feelings of jealousy.

Aileen, I would suggest that you get some counselling to help with any feeling of insecurity that you may have. These feelings might have been resident long before you entered this relationship. I would also recommend that you both see a counsellor to sort out any negativity that may be plaguing the relationship. It would be a waste of time to remain in a relationship that is going nowhere.

Make your owndecisions

Dear Counsellor:

I am 28 years old and I have been in a relationship with a guy for the past three years. He treats me very well and we are thinking of marriage. Four months ago my sister introduced me to this guy who she considers to be better suited for me. Her concept of being better suited is that the guy has his own business and is doing well.

Since then, the family has been trying to do everything to break up my present relationship and I know that it is that this other guy has money. They are saying that I should even give him a chance. I have not discussed this with my boyfriend as I know that it would hurt him because he has been good to my family.

How should I deal with this matter?

- Allison

Dear Allison:

First and foremost, please do not tell your boyfriend. It is very important that you have a 'heart-to-heart' talk with your family. Thank them for their interest in you, but at the same time, they need to know that you can make your own decisions.

Granted, money, or the management of it, plays a major role in relationships and is one of the factors that could cause the death of a relationship. However, Proverbs 15:17 says that it is better to eat soup with someone you love than steak with someone you hate.

Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Email:letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com.