Dear Counsellor:

I am 24 years old and in a relationship for four years. The first two and half years was heaven on earth. We are still together, but the real problem is that now I am having all different kinds of feelings.

In 2004, he had a serious accident which caused us to live together. From ever since things have changed. He never spends time with me the way I want him to. It doesn't matter how hard I beg him, he just ignores me and leaves anyway.

I talk to him and tell him I understand he has to work during the day, but he can spend the nights with me. Instead, he stays out late at nights like I don't exist to him at all. Sometimes three, four o'clock, he's still on the road. Sometimes I fall asleep and wake up in the middle of the night to find he's not there in the house. At one point I was so jealous of him I would cry so much until I got a headache.

I stayed because of our daughter, and it's killing me inside because I'm not as happy as I want to be. Otherwise, he's okay when it comes to our little girl. I'm just so confused and I don't know what else to do or say to him anymore to make him understand how I feel. He thinks he is not doing anything wrong, but he's hurting my feelings. I await your advice.

- Jessica

Dear Jessica:

There are many things you have not said which would be helpful in advising you. You did not say whether or not you were working. The feeling I have is that you are not working, so you are dependent on this person.

The presence of a child adds to the dependency. Based on what you have said, he cares about his child. There are timeswhen individuals may feel that because the man cares for the child, this means that he cares for the mother as well, but this may not neces-sarily be so. A man will love his child, but not care for the child's mother. This is hurtful, especially if the child was not as a result of a one-night stand and the person had been very caring and attentive in the early days of the relationship. I am sure you would not have stayed if he had shown this uncaring side earlier.

blueprint

Jessica, you are young. From a professional standpoint, what do you want in life? This is as good a time as ever to sit down and draw up a blueprint of your future. What skills do you have? If you are not working, do you have the skills necessary to get a job? If not, could you go back to school? What support systems do you have at this time that you could utilise?

From a relationship perspective, what are your expectations? The fact that you are expecting him to be home at a certain time is an expectation. Obviously it is not an expectation that he shares. Why did you decide to have a child at this age for this man? To have a child is not an accident, it is a decision you make. What power do you have in this relationship? Does all the power reside in your boyfriend? If he has all the power, you can expect to be manipulated.

Having said all that, what do you have to offer? Jessica, I am chal-lenging you to think this way because you need to become independent. One gets the feeling that he is losing, or has lost, interest in the relationship.

Jessica, where do you think he may be coming from at three or four in the morning? It does not matter how much you talk or cry, the decision to come home earlier rests solely with him.

This is a painful admission, but your relationship is dying slowly. If you have a friend or family member that you both respect, you could ask that person to be a mediator. Unless something drastic is done, your relationship will be over.