Yvonnie Bailey- Davidson

Dear Counsellor:

I have many problems in my relationship with my husband. We tend to argue a lot and it can get verbally abusive. Can this marriage be saved?

- Marie-Claire

Dear Marie-Claire:

Most marriages can be saved if both parties are committed to each other to improve the relationship. In my dealings with couples, I have found that some couples are in a love-hate relationship. It is like a parent-child relationship in which the parent is verbally abusing the child, yet claims that he loves the child. In the couple's relationship, individuals can be abusive, but still expect to be affectionate.

Couples say demeaning things, tease, provoke and belittle each other. Sometimes it is done in jest, but feelings do get hurt. Couples seem to view each other as sparring partners and like to pick a fight. Some people feel that make-up after the fight is good, so they perpetuate the fights.

In a relationship, you need respect for the other individual. There should be commitment, trust, honesty and respect for privacy. Some individuals expect the partner to cheat and so search the cellphone or clothes for tell-tale signs of indiscretion.

This invasion of privacy can result in great conflicts between parties. It is as if the partner is cheating, so you have to question his motive and inquire of his whereabouts. This policing lies on a background of insecurity, jealousy and control. An individual may be sentenced to a daily check-up by the other partner and this stifles the relationship.

Giving your agreement to the marriage contract is deciding to accept the risks involved, the uncharted sea and the perils and struggles that lie in wait. We all have dreams and plans. The reality of life is that life is unpredictable, human beings have deficits and disasters do happen. Temptation comes in many forms, and individuals need to be aware of them and devise plans of how to deal with them.

positive emotions

In relationships, there are positive emotions like love, joy, happiness, fulfilment, satisfaction and high esteem. There are also negative emotions like envy, greed, jealousy and 'bad mind'. People get angry and suddenly the other individual becomes the sworn enemy who needs to be killed instantly. It is surprising to see a couple being difficult one moment and then affectionate the next. Being aware of negative statements and behaviour, we need to show random acts of kindness, sympathy and empathy. We need to address the needs of the other partner so that there is fulfilment and satisfaction.

Diversity is what life is made up of. We need to develop tolerance, be flexible and have our code of behaviour. Being affectionate, kind and demonstrative as well as helpful and considerate, will go a long way to improve the marriage relationship. It is very helpful to see a counsellor who can help you move beyond the problems and help to improve the situation.

PhoneDr. Yvonnie Bailey-Davidson at 791-1778 or 978-8602, or email yvonniebd@hotmail.com.