Yvonnie Bailey- Davidson

Dear Counsellor:

I am thinking of getting married and seem to have a million questions about this thing called marriage. I wonder if I am ready for that step.

- Vivienne

Dear Vivienne:

Marriage, like parenting, is an issue that you learn on the job. We tend to look at what others are doing and follow suit. We observe our parents and we tend to copy what is done.

Marriage is a challenge like other issues and as the vows say, 'for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sickness, or health'. One must realise that there are good things about marriage and there are bad things as well. One needs to enjoy the good times and make pleasant memories that will take you through the bad times.

There are several issues that need to be addressed. Financial concerns, chores, child rearing, bill payments, sex and companionship are some of the issues. Partners need to befriends and lovers and to pay respect, show tolerance, be intimate and be considerate towards each other.

Sometimes partners take each other for granted and provoke aggression. Domestic violence and poor financial support are some of the evils of marriage. Marriage is a business that requires financial support and nurturing. Some people view their partner as someone to pick on, to abuse and so the issue of domestic violence comes to the front line. We need to realise that life can be frustrating. The partner is not there for the other to take advantage of and misuse.

Cause of violence in relationships

Violence in relationships has several origins, but poor communication styles and lack of respect are part of the package. The words used in conversations are inflammatory and degrading and act as a trigger for anger and aggression.

Some people are short-tempered and are easily provoked. We need to be careful of the words we use and the tone of voice we use. If we are doing public speaking, we prepare ourselves by knowing the audience and choosing our style, tone, words and emotions carefully. Communication in relationships needs to be considerate, and partners must be wary of spontaneous, aggressive speech. Some people tend to speak loudly and are demanding, instead of being polite. Many people need therapy to learn consistent proper speech in order that their relationship can be saved.

The expenses incurred in a marriage need to be financed. There needs to be a budget and provider(s) of the funds. In these days, sometimes it is better if both parties work so that the bills can be financed adequately. For a variety of reasons, sometimes it is only one partner who is working and the stress on that individual becomes unbearable, and this result in problems in the relationships. Decisions have to be made and both parties need to be in discussion about changes that need to be made.

Marriage is a dynamic phenomenon with constant changes and the influence of the external environment. Like a business, there needs to be regular planning meetings to look at issues and determine the threats, obstacles, strengths and weaknesses. We all have fantasies and dreams, but our objectives need to be specific, measurable, reasonable, achievable and can be completed in a timely fashion.

As you may have realised, marriage is work, but in the beginning there is enthusiasm, inexperience, high expectations and fantasies. As time goes by, you will become more experienced and wise as to what task you try to achieve.

Long-term marriages are possible and many people have achieved it. They will tell you that you try at all times to be positive, put God in charge and work at improving your relationship at all times.

Dr. Yvonnie Bailey-Davidson can be contacted at 978-8602 or 791-1778; or email yvonniebd@hotmail.com.