Ivret Williams

Dear Counsellor:

I have ended two relationships because I felt that the guys did not care enough about me. Tell me if I am wrong. I was made to believe that if you are in a relationship the man should assist in some way with your expenses. I am a bit confused as some friends say no and others say yes. - Your regular reader

- Andrea.

Dear Andrea:

There are no hard and fast rules relating to relationships. As a matter of fact a relationship may start off with one set of rules and as the relationship evolves, the rules change based on how persons mature. As such, the rules that are applicable to one relationship may not be applicable to another because every relationship is unique, comes with its own issues and evolves in different ways. In this day and age where many women are earning more money than men it is interesting that this mindset should be present. Also, the fact that many women are asking for equal opportunities and equal pay one wonders why a man who may be getting a similar salary or even lesser, should be made to give over a portion of his income to a woman because they are in a relationship.

You said that you were made to believe that a man should take care of a woman if they are in a relationship. Andrea, out of curiosity, would there not be a feeling of indebtedness on the part of the woman and a feeling of entitlement on the part of the man? How assertive could this woman be who is being 'taken care of' by her man? You mention that you ended two relationships because you felt that the men did not care, but could it be that they really cared for you but their socialisation was different from yours? I would advise that for the next relationship that you both discuss your feelings on the topic and determine the rules that are best suited for your relationship.

Afraid to get involved

Dear Counsellor:

I have not had a relationship for years because I am simply afraid to get involved and to trust men. I do not know if maybe there is something wrong with me but I just have not found any friend to be true to me as I would to them. This makes me feel lonely as I would like to let go and trust but find that I hold back. How can I get over this?

- Sherie

Dear Sherie:

Erik Erikson theorises that from very early we decide whether or not we can trust the world. The theory is that children who received their feeding at ad hoc times or who were allowed to cry for long periods developed mistrust for the world. S there may be persons whose friendship you may crave, there is that part of you telling you that people are inherently not trustworthy. Also the persons in your environment might have convinced you, based on their experiences, that people are not worth trusting and you should isolate yourself. Also, you might have confided in someone who betrayed your trust leaving you feeling that you are better off being alone. Let me say that there are good people and there are wicked persons in the world. That's our reality. Also, in the very bad there is something good and in the very best there is something bad. You cannot throw out the baby with the bathwater. We all have a shadow side. My advice is that you should not shut yourself off from persons but take your time to get to know them. Trust, like respect, is something that is earned, it is not automatic. There are trustworthy persons out there, but you must be prepared to open your door and let someone in; if not, your life will be a lonely one.

Ivret Williams is a trained counselling psychologist. Email: letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com