Ivret Williams

Dear counsellor:

I was abused as a child and now, I believe it is affecting me more than it did then. First of all, I find it difficult to trust people, but more specifically, men. It has affected me so much that the few times I attempted to start a relationship, I backed down simply because I do not know how to trust and open up to someone. Right now, I cannot even choose the guy to be with. I have being talking to one for four years, however, he does not know about the abuse, so we are never really close. Then there is another guy who came along, who, surprisingly, I told about the abuse. He was very understanding and he is still waiting patiently to be with me. However, not even him I can feel comfortable with. Your advice please.

- T.J.

Dear T.J.:

Abuse is never something that is easy to get over and some persons never get over it. The degree to which one is affected is due to the age at which the abuse started, who did it and how long it lasted. If the person is a family member, then the victim is forced to relive the situation over and over whenever the offender is present. When one has experienced abuse, one's ability to trust is affected. Abuse creates mistrust and this mistrust will be directed towards the male of the species, and unfortunately, all men would be judged by you and found guilty. To learn to trust does not happen overnight, it happens in piecemeal.

You mentioned that there is a guy who you confided in, could this mean that you are beginning to trust men? This might have scared you and so, you quickly retreated into the safety of your fortress, putting up your barriers in an effort to 'protect' yourself. Unfortunately, this behaviour, which has become a part of you, will continue to dictate your behaviour as this is the way in which you know how to 'protect' yourself from the possibility of future abuse. As such, you see every man as a potential abuser. Abuse brings about confusion as you try to grapple with what had happened to you. You said that it is affecting you more now than it did before. Could it be that you had blocked out what had happened to you and at this point in your life, you can no longer block it out as it demands your attention? T.J, I would advise you to see a counsellor who would help you to work through it.

He was just a talker

Dear Counsellor:

I'm 22 and just got out of a relationship. The thing is, I wasn't expecting it to end the way it did because I thought we shared something special. He decided to end it because he said he wasn't ready for the kind of relationship I wanted. He'd always talk about our future together, but one night, he said he was just not ready. I'm really hurt because he kept asking me to hold on and work on our relationship, and he's willing to, but changes his mind about it. What should I do to forget about him. What do I do to get rid of this pain and emptiness I have inside?

- Di

Dear Di:

Unfortunately, it seems as if he is no longer interested. However, there are times when a man will withdraw from a relationship to have a more objective view. It may not be that he is no longer interested but it could be that he needs some time to assess his feelings before taking the relationship to the next level. Having said all that, you were made to feel like you were the most important person in this person's life. As such, you invested yourself emotionally in this relationship with the understanding that you would have a life together. What can you do to forget him? This will take time. Di, please do not slip into pity parties or run into another relationship which will not be for your benefit. You are young, use the time to improve yourself physically, educationally and socially. Also, get involved in things that will help you to move on. To heal emotionally, talk with a counsellor.

Write to Ivret Williams, a counselling psychiatrist: letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com