Mark Titus, Freelance Writer

Suicide and attempted suicide cases seem to be on the increase. Western Jamaica has had a number of cases recently. One woman who attempted to take her life shares her intriguing story with us.

WESTERN BUREAU:

At 45, Candyhad it all, a home among western Jamaica's elite, the latest luxury vehicle, brilliant children and a successful businessman for a husband, but she attempted suicide two years ago.

Still living with the memory of the ordeal, she decided to share the experience with The Sunday Gleaner.

"I cannot say why I wanted to take my life at the time," she said, "but I had a great deal of personal issues. My problems seemed insignificant, so I would brush them aside and hoped they would go away. I didn't realise that I was merely storing my problems in a little crater in my brain, and that one day it would become full and erupt.

"Deep down, I don't think I really wanted to (take my own life). I wanted someone to see that I had problems and reach out a hand; I didn't have the courage to simply say so.

"I started looking around for someone to blame and the easiest target was my husband," she continued, "Although our marriage had problems, it was not as bad as I began to make it out to be, I became insecure."

Telling herself that ending her life would solve the problems, Candy, who has a career in the health sector, began stashing away pills to execute her plan. After sending off her two kids to music class one Friday afternoon, she attempted to end her life by taking an overdose.

No support

"I remember waking up in intensive care. When I opened my eyes, I saw my dad sitting next to me, holding my hand, with tears in his eyes. I squeezed his hand and he said that he loved me. I started crying too and tried to talk to him but no words came out. I panicked and Dad ran to get a nurse who told me that I had a tube in my throat to help me breathe. At that stage, I didn't know the severity of my injuries, but I was just glad that I was alive.

"I can't imagine the extent of what my family went through, but I know it must have been very hard for them. For a week or so, they didn't know if I was going to live or die. My family went from shock to sadness and disappointment. They were disappointed they didn't see the signs, the warning that something was wrong."

A teary-eyed Candy tells The Sunday Gleaner that her husband gave her no support as his prestige in the social circles was damaged by her indiscretions. She, however, received counselling from a psychiatrist at the hospital and a great deal of support from family and friends.

"I owe a lot of my recovery to the support of my family and to a very dear friend who I've known since I was around four years old. Many times, when I was lying in my hospital bed feeling sad and sorry for myself, she would come in and put me in a wheelchair, take me for a walk and tell me to snap out of it.

"The experience itself is one I wish I could not remember, I didn't realise at the time that I was creating a far worse emotional roller-coaster ride than I had in the first place. I knew that I had a hell of a rough road ahead if I was to try and get over what I had done. That is when I said to myself, 'I can get over this'.

"I was alive and I wanted to live," she stated, "It took every bit of inner strength I had, but I was determined to live the rest of my life and enjoy every bit of it. I also decided then that I wanted to help others and try to stop them from going through the hell that I went through.

"My suicide attempt was senseless and could have been prevented if I'd had the courage to open up and admit to having problems. I have a great outlook on life now. I don't dwell anymore on silly little problems that can affect the quality of life that we are here to enjoy. I also spend a lot more time with my family.

Bad decision

"I have had no suicidal thoughts since that incident. I figure my brush with death was close enough. I'm enjoying life too much to want to take it away. I suppose at the time I didn't fear death or I wouldn't have tried to end my life. Now I fear death more than anything. My life, and those who I share it with, is very precious.

Candy, who is now divorced and has also lost the court case for the custody of her children says: "My advice to someone contemplating suicide is quite simple: Have a good think about it. Think about what you're throwing away. Is it worth it? Think about your loved ones and what you're going to put them through. Think about the con-sequences if you don't succeed.

"I made a bad decision, which destroyed my marriage and my babies," she said with a sad look on her face, "My husband portrayed me as a nut case and an unfit mother, but I have forgiven him. I guess he just could not handle it.

"A lot of suicides are spur-of-the-moment decisions. If you just take that little bit of extra time to think about it, you may very well decide not to go ahead with it. Once you have done that, talk to someone and get it off your chest. I wish I'd talked to someone. Approach a person you can trust and tell them how you feel. The most important thing of all is not to be ashamed of your feelings.

"Your life, no matter how bad you think it is, is worth fighting for. Don't dwell on the past, look at what's ahead. So, what lies ahead for you? Anything you want, if you want it badly enough."

Name changed.