Tony Williamson

"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future."

If you are going around in life carrying hurts and offences against you, you are living in bondage.

You must shed this harmful baggage by forgiving those who have wronged you. Forgiveness is more for the benefit of the one who does the forgiving, not the one who is forgiven.

Forgive and Forget

People often say, "I can forgive, but I cannot forget." But many people who say that are described by Henry Ward Beecher: "I can forgive, but I cannot forget is only another way of saying, I cannot forgive."

Whether you agree with the statement or not, multiplied thousands of people walk around remembering and recalling their hurts and, with those painful memories, failing to forgive their offenders.

People often make the mistake of confusing forgiveness with forgetting the wrong done to them.

To forgive and to forget are not the same. Forgiveness is a decision. Your memory is driven by emotion. It is a neurological impossibility to forget those things done to you that caused you pain.

Decision, not Emotion

The important thing here is not to dwell on the memory which you cannot control. What you can control are your actions, your spoken words, your reaction to the offender.

A very important mechanism of forgiveness is decision. Decision, not emotion, drives the forgiving process.

If you were to wait until your emotions were no longer painful, you would hardly ever forgive anyone. Bu we as human beings are emotional creatures, we are primarily decision takers.

Usually, emotions will line up after we have taken the decision, not before. Let me illustrate how decision, not emotion, works in forgiving someone - even your worst enemy.

Suppose you borrowed some money from me. You gave me an IOU note evidencing the loan I gave you.

For some reason, you are not able to repay me. I can do one of two things. I can take legal action against you or I can forgive the debt.

If I chose the latter, I simply tear up the IOU and throw it into the trash can. I may not feel good about the fact that you have not repaid me.

My emotions might be painful, but I chose to forgive you your debt by making a decision, a decision to tear up the IOU.

Forgiveness is to tear up the IOU that you are holding for your offender. It has nothing to do with emotion. It is a decision.

At the time you decide to forgive, you may still be hurting at the wrong done to you. But usually, after the decision is made, emotions line up to support the decision.

Your decisions drive your life. If emotions rule your life, you are living on a dangerous roller-coaster.

Abraham Lincoln was a young, struggling lawyer when he was asked to do a particular high-profile case. The other attorneys on the case were well-known, well-established legal luminaries.

One of these attorneys, on seeing Lincoln, remarked, "What is that gawky ape doing here? I refuse to work with him. Get rid of him."

Lincoln remained unperturbed and acted as if he did not hear the insult. As the case progressed, Lincoln was treated as an outcast by the other attorneys.

They never recognised his presence. But Lincoln was keenly observing the trial and listened intently to his insulter's masterly handling of the case. He won the case easily.

The next day Lincoln was quoted as saying, "His brilliant argument was a revelation to me. He was expertly prepared, fluent in his presentation, and [his performance] undoubtedly the most professional questioning I have ever seen. I can't hold a candle to his abilities. I am going to have to study law all over again."

How Lincoln Tore up an IOU

Years later, Abraham Lincoln became president of the United States and that same attorney who had rudely insulted him became his most outspoken critic.

However, Lincoln never forgot the man's brilliance in court. When Lincoln needed to make an appointment for Secretary of War, he chose Edwin M. Stanton, the very man who had cruelly wounded and insulted him. In doing this, Lincoln tore up the IOU and held no lifelong grudge against his detractor.

Shortly afterwards, Lincoln's life was tragically cut short by an assassin's bullet. Stanton was inconsolable, grief-stricken, and sobbed, "Now he belongs to the ages."

Do you have an IOU that you need to tear up? Do it now before you 'belong to the ages'.

Tony Williamson is an international motivational speaker, sales trainer, author and lifestyle consultant. Email tonywilliamson_57@yahoo.com.