Eulalee Thompson
By now you would have heard that the brains of those infatuated by romantic love bear close resemblance to people diagnosed with a mental illness. You know, the 'crazy in love syndrome' — the brain's hormone activity (such as serotonin, pheromones, norepinephrine, dopamine) is similar to an amphetamine rush, awakening the brain's pleasure centre.
You don't really have to get into all this biological explanation; you will know it when you feel it. Your heart will beat faster, you will lose sleep over your love interest and maybe a few pounds as your appetite goes and you will be in an elevated mood - excitement.
This phase of lust, passion and sexual desire is quite temporary (if you're lucky it will last for a year, maximum three years) and only couples with common interests (the opposites attract theory is basically now out the window), and strong attachments will last years beyond this phase when higher levels of another chemical, oxytocin, kicks in to make the bond even more meaningful.
My favourite theory
Many psychologists have spent the better part of their careers trying to understand this thing called love and what makes it last. My favourite theory is actually Robert Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love.
Sternberg looks at the interplay of three important ingredients - inti-macy, passion and commitment - to determine the strength and quality of interpersonal attraction. If these three ingredients are missing from each partner or even just one partner, then there really is no love present in the relationship, and if only one ingredient is present in a relationship, it's hardly likely to survive the ups and downs of life.
However, when all three are present, and not just in one partner, but both of them, and present in the right amounts, like a well-proportioned decadent chocolate cake recipe, alleluia! There's firework and the basis for long-lasting love.
Intimacy - describes feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness.
Passion - describes the drives that lead to romance, physical attraction and sexual consummation.
Commitment - describes the decision that love exists and a commitment to maintain it.
Forms of love
Non love - none of the three component is present.
Liking/friendship - In Sternberg's model, this is not a trivial friendship, but an intimate, warm, close liking of true friendship without the intense passion or long-term commitment.
Infatuated love - This is the classic 'love at first sight' attraction that may disappear just as suddenly as it came since there is no intimacy or commitment.
Empty love - There's only commitment in this relationship; maybe a stronger love has deteriorated to the point where the couple is just staying together for the children, for the family business or because of what friends and the neighbours might say.
Romantic love - There's intimacy and passion here.
Companionate love - This usually describes marriages where there is no longer the passion (sexual or physical desire) but the relationship still enjoys deep affection and commitment. Companionate love also describes the relationship between very good friends or those who spend a lot of time together in any asexual but friendly relationship.
Fatuous love - This is your whirlwind courtship and then marriage. There is the commitment, but it is motivated by passion with no time to develop the relationship stabiliser - intimacy.
Consummate love - This is the complete form of love, the ideal which we should all strive for - your typical 'perfect couple'. They will enjoy passion for 15 years or more and be happy for a long time as they weather the life's storms gracefully.
Sternberg warns that even perfect love can turn into another type of love, if not nurtured.
eulalee.thompson@gleanerjm.com.
Forms of love
Combinations of intimacy, passion and commitment | Intimacy | Passion | Commitment |
|
| Infatuated loved | | x | |
| Empty love | | | x |
| Romantic love | x | x | |
| Companionate love | x | | x |
| Fatuous love | | x | x |
| Consummate love | x | x | x |
