'No woman, no cry' - Married but living alone
published:
Wednesday | April 2, 2008
Wendel Abel - I AM WHAT I THINK
The blank ceiling
Stares at her
In the cold bed
Her man
Locked in the arms
Of another woman
Tears flow
Her room, like a tomb
Empty, listless, alone.
- W.A.
This is the experience of many women, married but living alone. Their spouse is having an affair with another woman. What is their emotional experience? How do they cope? How do they move on? Listen to the voices of some women.
The voices
Mary: "I became suspicious when he started to come home late. He would spend more time away from the family. He was no longer interested in sex. I would initiate sex on several occasions but, often he would decline. He was always too tired."
Donna: "The phone calls signalled to me that something was happening. He was always receiving calls on the cellular. He was so secretive about the calls. When I asked him about coming home so late, he said that he was working."
Sarah: "It could not get any worse, the woman actually called me. She told me outright that I had the ring, but she had the man. I was always in denial as friends often told me that they saw him out with another woman and a child."
The fact is that many times the signs are obvious, but initially many women struggle with disbelief and denial. Denial helps to cushion the pain and allow people to carry on.
Why do many women stay in these relationships?
The reasons are many: Some women are dependent on the man emotionally or economically. They feel they cannot exist alone or outside of that relationship.
The voices
Mary: "If I left at the time, there would be a fall in my standard of living. I loved the house and I had put a lot into it; no other woman was going to live in it. Furthermore, he was a generous man. I drove a lovely car and the kids were well taken care of."
Donna: "Everyone loved him including my family and all my friends. He was very close to the children. I could not walk out of this marriage. It would be devastating for everyone. I had to try to get this relationship working. I started to go from church to church seeking happiness. That never saved the marriage, but I found myself."
Sarah: "We were Christians and I could not believe this was happening to us. The other woman was in the church; a younger girl. I resented her. I confronted him one night and he told me that I was too boring. I cried. The next day, I went to the girl's office. I almost killed her."
Dr Wendel Abel is a consul-tant psychiatrist and head, section of psychiatry, Dept of Community Health and Psychiatry, University of the West Indies; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
Take these steps
1 Seek professional help: Many Caribbean people do not seek professional help until it is too late. Once you suspect your relationship is in trouble, seek help early. Consult your pastor, a respected family member or friend, an older person in the community, or go see a mental health professional. A stitch in time saves nine.
2 Deal with your emotions: When you suspect that your spouse is having an affair it can be very painful. Many women feel disappointed; you may also feel betrayed, and of course, there will be feelings of anger. Deal with your emotions; express them appropriately. Avoid destructive behaviours such as hurting yourself, others or destroying things.
3 Know when to let go: Sometimes some relationships go dead; most persons know when this is so. It may be time to let go and move on. This is an option you have and you should know when to exercise it. You do not have to remain in an unhappy and dead relationship. Moving on can be very difficult; no one said it would be easy.
4. Reinvest in yourself: Maybe it is time to reinvest in yourself. Sometimes things change in your relationship when you start to change. Take a look at you. You may need to change your attitudes and actions. Stop the self-denial; it will get you nowhere. Start loving yourself and taking care of yourself. Stop the pity party; it will get you nowhere. Get up and start living.
