Dear Counsellor:

I've been married for 20 years and I'm having difficulties. We have always had problems but we try to sort out ourselves. I, however, have had enough of the problems and want a divorce.

Anastasia

Dear Anastasia:

The grass usually looks greener on the other side. The reality is that there will always be problems, regardless of the relationship. Some partners, of course, can be more problematic than others. Each individual has to decide on the issues for himself/herself.

We need to set limits and boundaries. Within a marriage, there needs to be respect, non-judgemental attitude, compassion, forgiveness and tolerance. Some issues, like domestic violence and marital rape, are not to be tolerated. These issues are grounds for separation and divorce.

However, depending on the individual, a spouse may seek dispute mediation to reconcile the issues. Each woman knows what she can tolerate and what she will have to run away from.

In marriage, there is the issue of commitment as stated in the wedding vows. These vows are real, not fairy tales. In life, there are good and bad times, healthy and sick times, poor and rich times and conflicts and disputes.

I think all couples should have premarital counselling and ongoing support from family, friends and church brethren. Sometimes, counselling is necessary; at other times, the couple can sort out the issues themselves.

You need to count the costs, both financial and emotional, when you consider divorce. Is the relationship irreconcilable or can counselling help? Each individual has her own issues and conflicts. We need to know what is negotiable and what is not.

Divorce is a permanent issue and is not to be taken lightly. Talk with a counsellor. The final decision is with you but problem solving will need the assistance of others.

Alcoholic mom

Dear Counsellor:

My mother is drinking alcohol heavily and cannot function at home. She goes to the bar in the evenings and comes home drunk. She has two of us and is single.

She got divorced some years ago and my father has remarried. We are grown children and my mother lives alone. Is my mother depressed?

Alan

Dear Alan:

It is unfortunate that your beloved mother is using alcohol to cope with life's problems. Many people cope with life's challenges by consuming large volumes of alcohol to numb the psychological pain.

Life is challenging, so we need to assess our own needs and to be responsible for ourselves. You need to confront your mother about her responsibilities and coping style.

I know it is difficult but try to correct your mother. Do you have an older aunt or uncle to speak with her?

Your mother may be depressed and so, she should see a psychiatrist. Her children should get together and have a talk with her. Loneliness is a problem for many elderly people. When children are grown, parents have a lot of time on their hands. Your mother can become active in her church and her community so that she can meet new faces and get involved in projects.

Retirees and the elderly need to find something to occupy their time because they will become lonely and sad.

Therefore, hold a family meeting and make plans with respect to your mother. Many people are not aware that their drinking is problematic. Prepare for the task by praying to God for guidance and direction.