Dr Jennifer Mamby-Alexander, Contributor

Jennifer Mamby-Alexander

When a woman is diagnosed with breast cancer, it can blindside the men who love her; husbands, boyfriends, fathers and sons. But many men know very little about the disease and find themselves at a loss at how to help the women they love cope emotionally, much less how to cope themselves. It is natural for them to worry about their partners when this occurs, and they may worry about changes after surgery or treatment.

During these difficult times, men must do their best to maintain bonds of closeness between them and their partners. It's worth reminding your partner that your love and attraction for them goes beyond outward appearances, to other inner qualities, like personalities, intelligence and sense of humour. These do not change when the body does.

Breast cancer is one of those diseases, where there isn't a simple formula for treatment. Treatment is very individualised; it can be based on the woman's age, size of the tumour and where it has spread. The treatment is very challenging, and for men, the biggest challenge is a feeling of helplessness. It is very challenging for a man to stand by and watch as the person he loves is diagnosed with a life-threatening disease and goes through difficult treatments.

Here are some ways to cope:

Listen without judging.

Be as open as possible and if you are scared, say so.

Accompany her to medical appointments and treatments when possible. If you're not able to, make sure someone else goes so she is not alone.

Make her hospital stays comfortable with books, videos, etc.

Take care of yourself so that you can take care of her.

If she is not too fatigued between treatments, do something fun, like going for walks or to the movies. Compromise on social activities so that she can be included. Being a cancer patient can be very lonely when you are left alone.

Speak openly with her about intimacy, knowing that when she is going through treatment this may be the last thing on her mind.

Encourage her, massage her feet, shoulders and pamper her.

Breast cancer, even if it is successfully treated, lingers in a woman's life for a long time, and that is a tough reality to face. You have to understand and acknowledge it and not just expect her to get over it when it is 'over'. Remember she would do the same for you.

Next week: How does the woman with breast cancer cope with love and intimacy?

Dr Jennifer Mamby-Alexander is a cancer survivor.