Mark Dawes, Religion Editor
Does God care about whom you marry? Yes, says Leigh Devore, author of the article 'God is a matchmaker', which is cover story of the July edition of the evangelical publication, Charisma magazine.
Devore wrote: "Romance is one of God's most unique specialities. He brought the world's first couple together, and He still delights in arranging marriages."
Her article reflects the advice of a range of Christian counsellors some of whom she was able to interview. For the others she culled the wisdom found in their books.
She cited Michael Smalley, family and marriage counsellor, who said, "One of the biggest traps that a single will fall into, is that they will devalue themselves as a single, especially as a Christian, because [they think], I'm supposed to be married."
Smalley went on to say, however, that "My biggest encouragement to singles is, if you can't make a list of the top 10 things of why being single is incredible, then you probably will have a hard time being married. Because if you can't be happy being single, you'll never be happy being married."
God knows best
Michael Smalley's wife, Amy, who is also a family and marriage counsellor gave the worn advice that the Christian single person who wants to get married should first pray committing the process to God and trust Him to deliver.
She told the Charisma writer, "When we give God control over our lives, we're free to trust in His bountiful grace and be confident that He knows who would be best suited for us in lifelong marriages."
But, Amy Smalley, continued by stating that asking God to be involved doesn't mean that a single person has to sit back and not do anything to help make marriage possible. The marriage counsellor encourages singles to develop a list of qualities they would like to see in a potential spouse.
Henry Cloud, author of How to Get a Date Worth Keeping, is cited by Devore. He said society has so changed that people don't always meet their marriage partner in college, in their childhood hometowns, at church or at work.
Cloud recommends that if one is not meeting suitable singles in one's social circles then a person needs to change his/her 'traffic patterns'. Cloud does not advocate dropping one's existing friends and family members, but he is saying that one needs to position oneself so that one can meet a wider pool of persons on a regular basis.
The change in traffic patterns, he said, could look like this:
Visit other churches. Ask friends and family to set up a date for you. Join clubs or organisations based on your interests. Join an online dating service.If one opts to use a dating services, including those that are online, it is not a sign of desperation according to Cloud, but such simply tools that God can use to bring people together.
Devore, who is the assistant editor at Charisma magazine devoted a substantial portion of her article on the usage of online dating services - Christian and non-Christian alike. She weighs the strengths of these services which include: eHarmony.com, christiancafe.com, true.com.
She wrote: "If you plan to give online dating a try, you should follow a few safety tips:
Do not use your real name as your profile or screen name. Do not give too much personal information. Use good judgement. Be patient. Take time to ensure you're confident of the person's identity.She recommends that if one is ready to meet the Internet contact face to face, then one should:
Meet in a well lit, public location at a common gathering hour Use your own transportation. Tell friends and family where you'll be and check in regularly. Watch for bad signs, such as displays of anger, attempts to control, inconsistencies in personal information, and a lack of details about friends and family. Most important, if you feel uncomfortable at any time, do not worry about being rude - just leave.A month before Devore's article came out www.christiansinglestoday.com (a website that form part of the portal of www.christianitytoday.com), published its Top Five Myths of Christian Dating. The list was drawn from the book What Women Wish You Knew About Dating: A Single Guy's Guide to Romantic Relationships, written by Stephen W. Simpson and published by the Baker Publishing Group. The list is published with some of the commentary offered on the website.
Myth #1: "God has one woman picked out for you to marry. You are destined to be with her, and God will guide you to her."
Stephen W. Simpson offered the view that "God joins the relationship between a man and a woman at the point of marriage. Before that, the couple has to take the initiative. Rather than directing the course of the relationship, God wants the couple to grow and learn how to make a commitment. Once they've done that, God increases His sustaining presence".
Myth #2: "The Bible has clearly defined guidelines for dating."
Simpson pointed out that dating was not practised in biblical times. Furthermore dating is for the most part a 20th century practice. In biblical times, he reported "a person basically had one of three options: remaining single, an amoral life with multiple partners or prostitutes, or an arranged marriage. There were courtship rituals in place, but nothing that looks like what we consider dating today".
Myth #3: "God will reveal to you the woman that you are going to marry the instant you meet her."
Simpson said, "Waiting for God to whack you on the head and tell you whom to marry isn't faith; it's fear. Be careful if you think God has told you that Betty from the bookstore is the one for you, but you have no idea if she feels the same way. If you plunge in, convinced that you are on a mission from God, and she's not sure yet, it's a quick way to scare her off.
Myth #4: "You have to be friends with a woman before you can date her."
Simpson said, "The problem is that a lot of men think the best way to pursue a woman is to befriend her, while hiding their interest in dating her. This is a rotten idea and sets a lot of men up for trouble.
Simpson told the story of one of his clients,Tommy, who had frequent contact with a friend who he was interested in dating, but did not ask, and how he was devastated when she started dating another man.
shocked
Furthermore, when he told the woman his feelings, just before she started to date the other man, she was both shocked and hurt that he had not asked her out on a date. Tommy then retreated into frustration and despair.
Myth #5: "A man's sexuality is a ravenous, snarling beast that should be kept in a cage until he's married."
According to Simpson, "Our sexuality is part of who we are from the moment we're born. If you take away a man's sexuality, you take away his identity. Your sexuality will be there, playing an active role, from the moment you ask a woman out. In fact, without sexuality, men wouldn't date. They'd play video games and eat pizza. Our sexuality is what gets us interested in women in the first place, and that's a good thing.
Sex drive
"Did you think God gave you a sex drive just to torture you until you got married? There are plenty of things God does that I don't understand, but he's not cruel. Many people confuse sexual drives with sinful desires.
Though sexual drives, like all drives, can become sinful, they're holy in their raw state. Yes, I said holy. Your sex drive comes from God. If you don't think that makes it holy, take it up with him.
The trick we have to pull off is holy, healthy expression of our sexuality before marriage. It's not easy, but it can be done."
Christian dating
As with any discussion on Christian dating, the matter of maintaining sexual purity during the dating/courtship process came to the fore in the July edition of Charisma. That discussion is a regular fare on www.christiansinglestoday.com.
Dee Bright, author of The Divine Romance, as quoted by Devore, wrote "Purity is one area where we should not set 'realistic expectations' for ourselves; we need to expect from ourselves what God expects, and we cannot accomplish those expectations without His supernatural power. We cannot be determined enough, tough enough, or committed enough to do it on our own."
Mindy Meier, author of Sex and Dating is quoted as saying, "A number of engaged people have shared with me that they wish they had done less sexually - sometimes with a high school girlfriend or boyfriend, sometimes with the one they are about to marry. But no one has ever said they wish they had done more."
Send feedback to mark.dawes@gleanerjm.com.
