Tym Glaser

'YOU CAN'T have everything, where would you put it?" Monotone comedian Stephen Wright dryly asked.

However, once, just once, I would love a perfect storm of a sporting year in which all the teams I follow win their respective crowns.

I know it's an incredibly selfish thing to ask for, but it would only be one, tiny year ... then you all could have the rest and I'd be able to pass on with a smile on my dial.

'world champions'

I really should not be complaining/dreaming as the Red Sox and Celtics of Boston are the current 'world champions' of baseball and basketball.

But, it would be oh so much nicer if the NFL's Oakland Raiders and the English Premier League's Newcastle could join the party, too.

Imagine, no one could talk any smack to me about any of my teams for an entire year - basically. That would be so far beyond cool it would be hot again.

Sadly, the Silver and Black and the Magpies are probably the two most dysfunctional franchises in the world of sport at the moment.

Coach fired

The Raydaz finally fired youthful coach Lane Kiffin this week, all of four games into the new season after a 1-3 start. Omnipotent owner Al Davis wanted the head coach out from round one and made no secret of his desire, which basically left Kiffin as a lame duck and the team in flux until the axe finally fell.

Davis, not willing to let it all slide with a termination letter, held a lengthy power-point press conference in which he outlined all Kiffin's failings - on and off the field. Talk about a hatchet job!

Now, Oakland have an interim coach and few prospects of being better than mediocre for the foreseeable future.

Still, if you think things are bad by the bay in Oakland, check out life in the far northeast of England where the Toon Army resides.

Big things were expected of the Magpies this season under the legendary Kevin Keegan, but three games into the BPL season he marched out the door after a clash with the club's 'Cockney' management and the side's hopes went with him.

The Magpies have sunk to the bottom of the standings - only being propped up by equally woeful Spurs - and are going to have to fight to avoid the drop all season.

Interim manager

The club is for sale but, outside of a Nigerian consortium (have you ever heard of one of those?), no one appears interested in purchasing a team on the slide.

Newcastle, too, has acquired an interim manager in Joe Kinnear and he's a real doozy.

In his first press conference this week, which lasted about five minutes, he dropped the F-bomb almost 50 times, called one reporter a very bad word pertaining to the female anatomy (the writer said 'thank you') and basically described journalists as 'negative bastards' and 'sleazy' liars.

Now, how's that for PR and getting off on the right foot? I really don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Still, all this meaningless angst and the inevitable losing that will follow will make success all that much more sweeter when it finally comes. Won't it?

Just one perfect year, Big Fella Upstairs, just one likkle year and I'll leave you alone forever, promise.

Later ...

Feedback: tym.glaser@gleanerjm.com