Dear Counsellor:

I hear a lot these days about emotional intelligence. I was told that its about controlling our emotions. Could you explain?

Monica

Dear Monica:

Emotional intelligence is a popular topic in these times. It is about emotions and self-control. We need to be aware of our feelings and the triggers of certain emotions. We need to be aware of ourselves, our motives, agendas, goals, needs and wants.

It therefore means that adults must conduct self-analysis. If we understand ourselves, we will be better able to control our behaviour in conflicts or disputes.

Individuals need to be aware of the emotions of others. We have to agree to disagree but respect the wishes of others. We dont need to compromise our values and ideals, but we at least can give people a chance to respectfully air their views.

We should be able to ventilate our feelings respectfully and appropriately. There will always be conflicts in relationships and we need to be able to control our anger, resentment and exuberance. To reduce violence in society, we must manage aggression within ourselves and in others. Sometimes its best to walk away from a dispute and let time take care of things.

Ventilation of feelings

Controlling behaviour and verbal expressions is a mark of maturity. Having social skills that will enhance our relationships is very important. Teach children how to recognise emotions and how to express themselves respectfully. Ventilation of feelings is an important skill that we all need. Life is stressful so we need to communicate with each other and provide support. Learning about emotions will help individuals live a less stressful life and a more productive one.

Parents and teachers need to teach these skills to children so that they become adults who are not violent. We need to teach children, stress-management techniques, time management, academic skills and relationship skills.

Children need skills as to how to deal with others. They need to be taught to love, nurture and care for themselves. Kids should learn to be helpful, assertive and to take the leadership role in situations. We need children to see themselves as being worthwhile, happy, loved and appreciated.

Both children and adults need good social skills to get along better with their peers.

Dear Counsellor:

I am a single mother with two children. Their father is not providing financial or emotional support. He visits infrequently and the boys are beginning to have behavioural problems. I am thinking of taking him to the court.

Sharon

Dear Sharon:

Some men are good fathers, while others are scared of responsibilities and commitments. As the mother, you need to have serious discussions with the childrens father about how he can help with the boys. You may need to bring court action against him.

Boys need fathers and surrogate fathers. Ask your male relatives and friends to help you in the upbringing of your sons. Take the boys to church so they can have spiritual experiences and make sense of life.

They need plenty of guidance and supervision to enable them to do well academically and otherwise.