Paul H. Williams, Gleaner Writer

At age 35, Ray Ray* has many things on his mind. His conscience rides him day and night. It's like a psychological conjoined twin that he cannot seem to rid himself of. He wants to smile and dance, but he's restrained by his past, which seems to be in a love affair with his present, and perhaps his future. As he tells his story, his red eyes are saturated with tears, tears from a man who at one stage of his life would kill without even a wink.

But, to really understand how he came to be so vicious, and carrying such a heavy burden, we must look at the early life of a boy, who saw his father for the first and only time when his mother brought him from St Mary to St Andrew at age three. "After that, I did not see my father again. And I remember him. Until now, at 35, he still paints a picture in my head," he said.

The man disappeared, leaving a void in his heart that was never filled. When everybody in school was talking about his or her daddy, Ray Ray had to keep silent. He became angry, and that anger sent him on a journey on the long road to perdition.

Misbehaving in class to get attention when he was upset was the order of the day, or he would calm himself by skipping school for game shops. Even those were not enough. He was craving for the attention of a male figure. "I started to do things like stealing, because when I steal, I always get in contact not only with the females, the men always come around and hold me. When I was in Grade Three they brought two police from Matilda's Corner. After school, it was a joy to check those policemen." He developed a friendship with the two in whom he could confide. This, he could not do with his mother.

Wasn't a pretty life

But after a while, that bond was broken as he was sent back to St Mary to live with an aunt, and it wasn't a pretty life there either. So, it was back to St Andrew, where he was enrolled in a church-run school. Then, his mother got married and his stepfather moved in.

Ray Ray thought his mother's husband would have been the father-figure he had always wanted, but the man got on top of his nerves with his "hoggish", "miserable" and "loud-mouthed" disposition. "I start to get affected by the loud talking. Even now, if I'm talking to you and you talk too loud, it's like it just brings me right back. So I decided that I couldn't bother with this. But I had to bear it."

Nevertheless, he was making tremendous academic progress until his stepfather encouraged his mother to remove him to the then Papine Secondary School. That was when the real resentment set in. "A deh soh mi bruck out from," he said in retrospect. "Mi sey oh, mi mother nuh want a good boy because if she a tek me from here so where a was doing so well, den what she want."

At Papine Secondary, Ray Ray was bored because he already knew what was being taught. He went to the streets and the game shops beckoned again. But he needed money to support his habits, so Ray Ray turned to stealing, again. "This time I wanted the attention from other young men around me, so I would steal and I would give them money, just to get that kind of friendship, and they would respect me because I have money." And he wanted more money. He got an idea, which was to be the beginning of his many run-ins with the law.

Before the courts

He stole his mother's key to her workplace, broke in, got caught and was sent to a juvenile correctional centre for two weeks before the courts determined his fate. After careful assessments of his circumstances, he was sent back to his parents. He was now about 14.

It so happened that he met some of his former fellow wards from the correctional centre, on the streets. They were breaking into properties at nights to sustain themselves. Ray Ray was ambivalent about getting involved, but when he saw the 'sweet returns', there was no stopping him. It was also good-bye to Papine Secondary. To complete his then new-found independence, he began to smoke and drink, to prove that he was a man, and to impress the girls.

By now, about age 17, Ray Ray's stepfather had "kicked out" his mother from the home. Ray Ray was allowed to stay, but he was not comfortable around him. One night, he left to go to a church crusade, but met a friend, who was going to rob a place. Ray Ray joined him. While they were inside the building, his crony fell asleep, apparently from having too much to smoke and drink. They were surprised by the police, who, he alleged, beat him until he was swollen. He was subsequently charged and released on bail.

Still not tamed

Ray Ray was now back with his mother, but he was still not tamed, despite the charges he was facing. He wanted 'big' money, and his mother's workplace seemed to be the source. He stole the key again, but his mother missed it before he could have used it. She alerted the police, but Ray Ray was not going to tell on himself.

Ray Ray: "I hid the key. The police came, and I still wouldn't give them back the key. Because of the shame that I felt ... I rather get locked up than to say where it was. Even now if the police say, where is the gun, and I know where it is, I don't know. I went to prison and jail and learn those things."

He was brought back to court and given bail, again. To get him off the case, his stepfather brought him to a "mother lady", who gave him a bathe. But it seemed to be the wrong shower, for Ray Ray was given two 18-month prison terms to run concurrently, plus another six-month term for break-ing, entering and robbery convictions. That was to be the beginning of Ray Ray's prison career.

Notorious gunmen

Now out of prison, he found himself in the company of certain notorious gunmen. He got hold of the ultimate weapon of power, but his reign was short-lived. For illegal possession of firearm, he was arrested, charged and sentenced to 12 months in prison. It was another 12 months for robbery after that, for he could not control himself. Stealing was now second nature to him, and the whole idea of prison life was not so bad, after all.

*Not his real name

paul.williams@gleanerjm.com

NEXT WEEK: Ray Ray, the cold-blooded killer, speaks about his torment, his own brush with death, and redemption.