Dear Counsellor:

I am involved in a relationship which looks promising. My spouse has a son who is 15 years old. His son tends to be resentful towards me and is very defiant. How can I improve his behaviour?

- Claire

Dear Claire:

Blended families or stepfamilies are very challenging for their members. Both parents and children have issues. Children usually harbour hopes of reunion between their parents. They will do various things to reunite their parents. This can be a bone of contention in the family.

Many children also go out of their way to break up parents' new relationships. Children literally hate the step-parents and can be quite challenging. Hostile behaviour is one of the tactics children use. Therefore, acceptance of the fact that your stepchild will be hostile towards you will be the first step.

Discipline and guidance need to be the responsibility of the biological parent. You cannot replace the mother, but your duties will be similar to his mother. It takes a long time for children to accept their step-parents. This occurs after the children have mourned the loss of their dreams of parental reunion.

Your son needs to respect you and any problem should be reported to the father. The father will have to realise that his duty is also one of being a referee between you and the son. He should resolve the problems so that he is not place in a position where he has to choose between both of you.

Treat your stepson as your biological son. This should go a long way towards smoothing out the relationship. Expect problems from time to time but persist in trying to improve the relationship.

Dear Counsellor:

My teenage daughter has started college but says she is depressed and not functioning optimally. She lives at home.

- Gillian

Dear Gillian:

Depression is a common condition. Anyone can get it. Depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in certain areas of the brain and is made worse by stressors in our environment.

Going to college is a developmental milestone which can be challenging for individuals. Life is about making changes and adjusting to issues. Changes and transition are stressful and we need to assist people who are dealing with these issues.

Leaving high school and going to college is a big step. Even though she lives at home, it is a big change. New people, new lecturers, different routines, harder subjects and more peer pressure make the adjustment more difficult. Some college students like to experiment with sex and drugs.

Spend time with your daughter and allow her to ventilate about her feelings and problems. This will help her to put the issues into perspective and generate solutions to her problems. Tell your daughter that although college is challenging, she can cope and be successful.

Does she have male friends and female friends? What does she do in her spare time? Does she go to church and have a prayer life?

Spirituality is important and it helps to deal with life's question about the purpose and meaning of life. Encourage her to have a close relationship with God and tell Him all about her problems. Solutions often arise in times of solitude and mediation.

Tell her to take the challenges of college one day at a time. Life is a journey which we live minute by minute. Live in the now.

Make plans, but expect to make changes as you go along. College can be fulfilling and it helps to prepare us for career and family life.