Paul H. Williams, Gleaner Writer

Ray Ray, now 35, had no father to guide him, couldn't confide in his mother, and had an aggressive stepfather who encouraged his mother to remove him from a church-run school to Papine Secondary School. His yearning for a male role model went unsatisfied, and he found solace in the company of street boys, smoking, drinking and stealing. Until the inevitable, trouble with the law, happened.

He went to prison for the first time at age 17, and he was back again, and again, for offences ranging from breaking and entering, robbery, to illegal possession of firearm. And, he didn't seem to mind the prison sentences. For, if the prosecutors, judges and jurors believe they were punishing Ray Ray by sending him to prison each time, they were dead wrong. They were sending him, as a matter of fact, back to 'school'.

Ray Ray: "I meet a friend from up my place. We were there licking head. He was bad boy in the place. He would defend me to the max. I was always wondering what I was going to do when I come out. I plan a whole heap of things in my head. Start thinking 'bout people who have money. I started thinking about robbing with a knife or a gun because a pure a dem talk dey mi hear."

Tutored and trained

He was tutored and trained by hardened and cold-blooded inmates. He met gang members who told him about the others who were free on the streets, and how and where to find them. Upon his release, he would seek the gangsters out. Moreover, to 'compensate' himself for the time he spent behind bars, he carried out 'bigger and better' robberies. But, it was his connection to a certain 'Mr Big Man' that completed his 'education', and which almost cost him his life.

Having been given his own weapon, he signed over his freedom to the devil, literally. He was now at the beck and call of the Big Man, who gave him orders to "kill, or be killed".

Ray Ray: "The Big Man is always sending on money. It reach stages when the Big Man say he wanted certain things to be done and you have to carry it out ... It happen that I had to brush up (kill) two man fi the Big Man. Him say some man dung deh soh a violate and want to stop mi food."

After his first murder, he was himself very scared and troubled. Eventually, he got cold and tough, having no difficulty in putting a gun to a man's head and blowing out his brains. However, it was all a facade. Beneath that veneer of toughness and bravery was a young man who was utterly confused, with his heart punctuated all over with very soft spots. He was now very concerned for his own safety, but it was all about pleasing Mr Big Man.

The straight and narrow

Then, Mr Big Man heard that Ray Ray was talking to youths in the area about walking the straight and narrow way. He wasn't pleased and would have none of it. One night, Ray Ray watched from an ackee tree as two men sprayed his home with bullets.

He realised that the orders had come from the Big Man, and decided to return the Big Man's gun and break free, but the deal was already sealed. The Big Man refused to take back the gun and told him, "Mi youth, is either you with us or against us."

He had to remain in the gang, with the treachery and counter-treachery, mistrust, and murderous intentions.

The turning point in his wretched involvement came one night, four years ago, when some of his 'friends' shot him several times and left him to die. Two other friends pulled him into bushes and gave him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

"I was bleeding so much. I thought I was dead. When I got the shot, my words were, 'Father God forgive me for all the wrongs that I have done. 'Mi start confess because I thought I was going," he recalled.

As Ray Ray slipped out of and into consciousness, his friends contemplated what to do with him. They eventually took him to hospital unconscious. He woke up after three days, feeling very hungry and thirsty, and surrounded by the police. He had sustained injuries to his arms and legs, and wished that he had died instead. He suspected his attackers would have come back for him.

Upon his release from hospital, having realised how much at risk his life was, Ray Ray ran away from the whole mess of gun possession, gang feuds, internal squabbles, betrayals, police involvement, paranoia and being always on the run. Fundamental to his efforts to get away was the torment that he faced, being haunted by the murders he had committed.

Torment

Ray Ray's torment started the first time he killed. He instantly became paranoid, believing that he too was going to die. "That you a goh dead too, yuh tormented, yuh can't sleep ... A play boxing with mi conscience. I had a war with mi conscience. ... The least little thing yuh see move yuh get jittery. The spirit that is inside of you gives you life, and when you take a life, it irritate that spirit so much. Always on the edge and it takes you a while before you calm down," he lamented.

He ran away from his cronies and allies, but the memories of his deeds were right beside him, wherever he went. "Yuh conscience nag yuh. When yuh conscience nag yuh up to that level is like you do not know what to do. Is like a movie, Passion of the Christ. When Judas head tek him, him affi run goh kill himself."

Now, he too is still not totally free in his mind. He cannot seem to rid himself of his murderous past, which haunts him regularly. Sometimes he cannot sleep, and had put his gun to his head, contemplating suicide. Recently, he turned the gun and ammunition over to a bishop. Talking about it helps, because he said he wasn't born a wicked person.

He wants redemption, and hopes his past doesn't determine his future. He believes when he was shot, his life was spared for a purpose, and that is to let the young people know that crime doesn't pay. Now, a trying farmer, living in regret about the killings, some people still haven't embraced him, understandably so. Yet, he's back in touch with his mother and some relatives.

Good to be alive

For him, it's good to be alive, and to the families of those whom he killed, he said, "I am really sorry, and it never have to be like that, because of the nature I have developed over the years it has transformed me into somebody who I wasn't. If I could live life over, I wouldn't have made that big mistake."

paul.williams@gleanerjm.com