Latoya Grindley, Gleaner Writer

Thirty-year-old Matthew Singh* is a fairly handsome and well-established young man, both financially and professionally. He has been in a relationship with someone for over a year now, but there is one major problem. While he cares for this girl, he claims he doesn't want to 'heighten' her expectations of him, and is thinking of calling it quits before she gets more attached.

This may sound like something a typical young man would do, but Singh says he has very strong reasons. "She seems to be into a long-term relationship and is the marrying kind, but I don't think I want that. At least, I can't see myself heading down that road for now."

But why? "I'm not setting up myself for any heartache, I have been down that road already with a girl I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. But, apparently, she had other plans and it is not a good feeling to have someone take your heart like that." That past relationship Singh speaks of, ended a little over four years ago.

Bad relationship

Psychologist Yvonnie Bailey-Davidson says a bad relationship experience can affect a person's ability to invest long term in another relationship. This factor, among others, can lead to what is known as commitment phobia. "Bad experiences can cause people to be neglectful in relationships and, perhaps, find it difficult to stick to a relationship," she says.

Singh revealed to Flair that even though he deeply cares for his current girlfriend, he has to protect himself and, of course, his heart. "She loves me, I know this, and she is a great girl, but I just don't know what the future holds for both of us and people change every day and fall out of love. I can't deal with the drama of breaking up with a torn-up heart again. Who says you can't still live a happy life without getting too deep and attached to someone?"

Dr Bailey-Davidson says a person's upbringing can also lead to their developing this phobia. Learning to accept and fulfil responsibilities, she says, are extremely important. "Responsibilities are not easy, so if they are not taught how to solve problems in relationships, if they have no skills in problem-solving and stress takes over, they will take the easiest way out". She alludes to cases where the minute men find out their partners are pregnant, they 'disappear' because of the responsibilities that will follow.

Fear

Commitment phobia can surface in almost every aspect of one's life that has to do with committing to someone or something and making a decision. But it is commonly noticed in intimate relationships. The root cause of this phobia, is fear. And this fear mainly has to do with making a very bad decision or losing someone or something.

Though not gender-specific, it is assumed that men are usually the ones who fear commitment. Persons losing a loved one, like a mother, or seeing their parents go through a divorce are, many times, candidates for this phobia.

Dr Bailey-Davidson notes that, just like other phobias, commitment phobia can be treated. "Going to a series of counselling sessions can help. These sessions will deal with things like the person's childhood as well as lifelong goals." And, as for the partners of persons with commitment phobia, the psychologist says it is best for them to make their needs known as best as possible, as well as what they want from the relationship. She also says partners can be helpful in assisting the phobic to overcome this problem especially with the help of a professional.

* Name changed

latoya.grindley@gleanerjm.com.

How to spot a commitment phobe

They usually have a history of short relationships and may have never been married. A common excuse is that they haven't met the right person.

They want a relationship, but they also want freedom and space, so they are often attracted to long-distance relationships or to someone who is busy.

Commitment phobes are usually very affectionate and loving. This is because in their minds the relationship is not going to be long term, so they feel free to give affection and love, knowing it won't be forever.

Severe commitment phobes play the seduction/rejection game. They can't make the decision to give totally to the relationship, but they can't commit to walk away either. They feel trapped by both choices.

They often choose someone who is not the type of partner for whom they are looking, for example, they may be much older, much younger, married, or they may have different interests. They use these differences as excuses to end relationships.

A severe commitment phobe tends to avoid events or outings that may include their partner's family or friends.

A commitment phobe won't allow the relationship to grow and they have no intentions of ever doing so.

If they were married they may delay the divorce process in order to use this to keep their partner at bay. This helps them to feel safe from the possibility of ever getting married again.

They usually end up behaving negatively, because they want their partner to end the relationship. This is because they feel too anxious and guilty to do so.

The word 'forever' terrifies them. Love doesn't scare them, rather it is what love represents to them that scares them. This is due to their negative belief system about love and relationships.

Source: http://www.enotalone.com